This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional medical or psychological advice. If you have concerns about your child's development or behaviour, please consult your pediatrician or a qualified child development professional.
Tantrums are one of the most exhausting parts of toddlerhood — and if you’re in the thick of them, you’re not alone. Between the ages of 1 and 4, big emotions and limited language create the perfect storm for meltdowns. According to Zero to Three, toddlers can have strong preferences and emotions long before they have the language and self-regulation skills to manage them. That gap is where tantrums live.
This guide covers everything: why tantrums happen, what to do in the moment, how to handle aggression, how to prevent the next one, and when to seek professional support.
Why Toddlers Have Tantrums
Before you can respond well, it helps to understand what’s driving the behaviour. Tantrums aren’t random — they’re usually triggered by something. Common triggers include:
- Frustration — wanting to do something they can’t yet do
- Wanting independence — “I do it!” is a developmental milestone, not defiance
- Inability to communicate — when words fail, big feelings take over
- Hunger or exhaustion — two of the most reliable tantrum accelerants
- Transitions — leaving the playground, stopping play, changing activities
- Overstimulation — noise, crowds, screens, or a long and busy day
- Being told “no” — especially when they had their heart set on something
- Difficulty sharing — object permanence and ownership are still developing
- Changes in routine — predictability is deeply regulating for toddlers
- Wanting something they can’t have — and not yet having the tools to cope with that
When you start to notice patterns — tantrums always happen before nap, or always at the supermarket — you shift from reacting to anticipating. That’s where real progress happens.
How often are tantrums normal? The AAP notes that tantrums are most common between ages 1 and 3, and that many toddlers have them daily. Frequency alone is not a cause for concern — context matters more.
What to Do During a Tantrum
This is the question most parents actually need answered. Here is a simple sequence:
- Stay calm. Your calm presence can help your toddler feel safer and make it easier for them to settle. How caregivers manage their own emotions directly influences a child’s ability to cope, according to Zero to Three. Take a breath. Lower your voice. Stay close.
- Make sure everyone is safe. Move dangerous objects. Create space. Keep yourself and your child out of harm’s way.
- Use very few words. A toddler mid-tantrum cannot process explanations. During an intense tantrum, a toddler’s ability to use language, problem-solve, and respond to reasoning is greatly reduced. One or two calm words are enough: “I’m here.”
- Name the feeling. “You’re really upset. You wanted to stay longer.” You’re not agreeing with the behaviour — you’re acknowledging the emotion behind it. Dr. John Gottman’s research on Emotion Coaching found that children whose parents named and validated feelings had better emotional regulation and fewer behavioural problems over time.
- Hold the boundary. Empathy and limits are not opposites. You can be warm and still say no. Zero to Three specifically recommends helping toddlers with strong emotions while maintaining age-appropriate limits.
- Don’t negotiate or give in just to stop the crying. Wait for the storm to pass. (More on this below.)
- Give space or comfort, depending on what your child needs. Some toddlers want a hug. Others need physical space. Follow their lead — and stay nearby either way.
Should I hug my toddler during a tantrum? It depends on the child. Some toddlers are soothed by physical closeness; others find it escalating. Offer, but don’t force it. Your presence matters more than the gesture.
Not sure if what you’re seeing is a tantrum or something else? Read our guide on Toddler Meltdowns vs. Tantrums — What’s the Difference and What Helps.
What If My Toddler Hits, Bites or Kicks?
The AAP notes that toddlers may hit, bite, or kick when overwhelmed by anger and frustration — this is not automatically evidence of a serious behavioural problem. But it requires an immediate, calm response.
- State the limit clearly: “I won’t let you hit.”
- Block the hit or move out of reach.
- Move dangerous objects away.
- Stay calm — matching their intensity escalates things.
- Do not hit back, threaten, or shame.
- Once calm is restored, teach the alternative: “When you’re angry, you can stomp your feet / squeeze a pillow / tell me you’re mad.”
For more on what drives toddler aggression, see Why Is My Toddler So Aggressive?
Should I Ignore a Tantrum?
Don’t ignore your child. Staying emotionally available and physically nearby is always the right call.
What you can do is reduce your direct attention to the tantrum behaviour itself — particularly when your child is safe and the behaviour appears to be attention-seeking. Staying calm and present without engaging the tantrum directly is not the same as ignoring your child.
Intervene immediately if your child is: hitting, biting, kicking, throwing dangerous objects, running into danger, or hurting themselves. The AAP supports calm, consistent limits and addressing aggressive behaviour directly.
Should I Give In During a Tantrum?
“If I give my toddler the tablet after 10 minutes of screaming, am I teaching them that tantrums work?”
It depends on why you’re changing course. If a parent repeatedly changes a boundary because the tantrum escalated, a toddler can learn that escalating sometimes changes the outcome — making future tantrums more likely.
But changing your mind isn’t always “giving in.” Sometimes the original limit was unnecessary, unrealistic, or you misread the situation. Adjusting a boundary because you’ve reconsidered it thoughtfully is not the same as caving to a tantrum. The distinction matters — and toddlers, over time, can sense the difference.
How to Prevent the Next Tantrum
Zero to Three notes that transitions and changes in routine are among the most common tantrum triggers — and most are predictable. Use the H.E.L.P. check before high-risk moments:
- H — Hungry?
- E — Exhausted?
- L — Lonely or needing connection?
- P — Physically uncomfortable or overstimulated?
Then use transition warnings to reduce resistance:
- “Five more minutes, then we’re going home.” → “Two more minutes.” → “One more turn, then shoes on.”
- Before grocery shopping: don’t go when hungry or exhausted; give your toddler a small job; set expectations beforehand.
- Before bedtime: use a consistent routine; offer limited choices (“Blue pyjamas or red?”); avoid unnecessary battles in the final hour.
Offering choices throughout the day also helps. Dr. Ross Greene’s research on Collaborative Problem Solving shows that children who are given agency in low-stakes moments build the cooperation skills that reduce conflict over time.
Our post on how screen time affects toddler emotions also explores how digital overload can lower a child’s regulation threshold — worth reading if tantrums tend to spike after screen time.
Tantrum vs. Meltdown: What’s the Difference?
Tantrum: Often has a goal or trigger and may change depending on the response. The child may be watching to see what happens next.
Meltdown: Involves overwhelming emotion or sensory input where the child has much less ability to control or redirect their behaviour. It runs its course regardless of the response.
Understanding the difference helps you respond appropriately — and stops you from interpreting every difficult moment as defiance. For a full breakdown, see our guide: Toddler Meltdowns vs. Tantrums — What’s the Difference and What Helps.
What to Do After the Tantrum
Once your toddler has calmed, reconnect before you teach. Offer a hug, a quiet moment, or a simple: “I love you even when things are hard.” This repair matters — a child’s sense of security comes not from perfect parenting, but from consistent reconnection after difficult moments.
Then, when the moment is right:
- Name what happened simply: “You got really upset when we had to leave the park.”
- Teach the alternative: “Next time you feel that way, you can tell me you’re sad.”
- Should there be a consequence? For most tantrums, no. The tantrum itself is the consequence of the unmet need or frustration. If there was aggression, a calm, brief acknowledgment of the limit is enough: “Hitting isn’t okay. We don’t do that.”
- Should you apologise? If you lost your temper or said something you regret, a simple apology models exactly the behaviour you want from your child. That’s not weakness — it’s repair.
For more on building this skill early, see How to Help a Toddler Calm Down: Teaching Big Feelings Before Age 4.
When Should I Be Concerned?
Most toddler tantrums are developmentally normal. Consider speaking with your child’s pediatrician if:
- tantrums are unusually severe or increasing significantly in frequency or intensity
- your child regularly injures themselves or others
- tantrums seriously interfere with childcare, preschool, sleep, eating, or family life
- your child doesn’t recover or calm with your support
- you have concerns about language, social development, or other developmental milestones
- the behaviour is accompanied by loss of previously acquired skills
- your instincts tell you something isn’t right
Zero to Three notes that persistent or intense emotional and behavioural concerns that interfere with daily life can warrant professional support. The key factors are frequency, intensity, duration, and impact on functioning — not age alone. Trust your instincts.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why does my toddler have tantrums every day?
Daily tantrums are common between ages 1 and 3. If your child is otherwise developing well and the tantrums are manageable, this is within the normal range. Look for patterns in timing and triggers — hunger, tiredness, and transitions are the most common culprits.
Should I hug my toddler during a tantrum?
Offer, but don’t force it. Some toddlers are soothed by physical closeness; others find it escalating mid-tantrum. Your calm, nearby presence matters more than the gesture itself.
Should I ignore my toddler during a tantrum?
Don’t ignore your child — stay nearby and emotionally available. You can reduce direct attention to the tantrum behaviour when your child is safe, but always intervene if there is aggression or danger.
What if my toddler hits me during a tantrum?
State the limit calmly: “I won’t let you hit.” Block the hit, create space, and stay calm. Teach the alternative once they’ve settled: “When you’re angry, you can tell me.”
How long should a tantrum last?
Most tantrums last between 2 and 15 minutes. Tantrums that regularly last longer than 25 minutes, or that your child cannot come down from with support, are worth discussing with your pediatrician.
Why are tantrums worse at bedtime?
Because exhaustion dramatically reduces a toddler’s ability to regulate. A tired toddler has very little emotional reserve. A consistent, low-stimulation bedtime routine is one of the most effective prevention tools.
Why does my toddler behave perfectly at daycare but have huge tantrums at home?
This is extremely common — and it’s actually a sign of a secure attachment. Toddlers save their biggest feelings for the people they feel safest with. Home is where they can fall apart, because they trust you to hold them through it.
When should I talk to a pediatrician?
If tantrums are very frequent, very intense, involve self-harm or aggression, or significantly disrupt daily life — or if your instincts tell you something isn’t right. You don’t need to wait until things feel unmanageable to ask for support.
Want a practical tool to use in the moment? Our Toddler Emotional Regulation Routine Card (Ages 1–4) gives you a simple, visual framework to guide your child through big feelings — step by step.